Breast Cancer Survivor for 16 Months, but Now I’m Scared… huh?

My next post was going to be about the actual radiation treatments. It’s quite benign as far as I’m concerned. I’ve actually been putting it off because I thought that it would the end of the story and wondered what I would write/blog about next. And really, in my mind, I didn’t want it to be over.

Sure there’s more… like taking the hormones to keep the estrogen away, and how they make your joints hurt, and how you gain weight (or don’t but either way, it’s tough to lose now). It’s all just part of the process to keep yourself alive and tick off the months to that 5 year goal.

Of course part of the follow up is your annual mammogram. I’ve been having these every year for 15 years. I had my first at 35 because of my mom’s breast cancer history. It’s never been a big deal. I’ve never had anything show up on the mammogram ever, including my breast cancer.

When I went in today I realized that I was scared. What if they found something on the right side? They had seen something suspicious on the right when I was diagnosed on the left, but it looked like it hadn’t changed from the prior mammogram. They still did the full ultrasound guided biopsy – hell, why not? I was there – on the right and that came out negative .

But today my mind said, “What if?” What if what they have seen for the past two years really is something?

What if I have to go through what I went through a year ago? What will I do? Will the results be as positive? As much as I loved being bald, can I do that again? What if I have to do chemo again? Can I? It’s easy the first time because it’s not as bad as you thought it would be, but now… I know what it is – not bad but definitely a pain in the ass.

I found myself wondering, “If they find something on the right will I just choose to have a full mastectomy on both sides and not have to face this again?” I don’t know, but my thoughts surprised me since I was never scared when I found the lump or got the diagnosis. I just kind of knew.

Today I don’t know what the results will bring. Although I did make the tech let me look at the pictures and they looked okay. I saw where they left the clip in the right breast when they biopsied last year and there doesn’t appear to be any change or new masses so I think that’s a good sign.

I must be honest that my mind is so very much saying “what if?” and I am going back to the baseline… It is what it is! If there is something, and I have to face it again then I will do so. It’s nothing I can change.

Wish me luck!

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Tags: Breast Cancer, survivor